Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
