just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
