i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
