I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
