Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
