I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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