the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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