i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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