so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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