You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
