Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
