Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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