I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
