come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
