i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
