I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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