My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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