Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
