I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
