I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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