paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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