I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
