If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
