mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
