my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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