If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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