If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
