JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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