Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
