Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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