Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i barfeds in our rink
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
