did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
