I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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