woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
