I will die if light touches me.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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