were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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