i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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