I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
