the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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