The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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