I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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