put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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