I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
