um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
