she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I have aggressive nipples.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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