Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
