Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I booty called her while she was in labor.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
