I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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