going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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