You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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